Random late night thoughts.

It's been 8 months since i moved. from Dubai to Doha.. with regards to environment and lifestyle it is basically the same. I'd like to go back to August 2015. 8 months in, since I moved from the Philippines to Dubai. I came back from the States in June 2014, I left the Philippines again towards the end of November to face yet another adventure that I had no idea what would bring. I was a mess when I left. I was in a relationship with a guy who I had hold on to far too long and it's sad cause the time we spent together was the only thing I was holding onto. Not us. Not him. It was just such a big part of my life that I couldn't let go at the time. When I moved, just when I started my training in this new job that I got in Dubai. I had realizations sank in me, I needed to let him go 'cause it was turning me into this person that I didn't want to be. I spent my single life just trying to improve myself, doing things on my own. I have always done that for myself though, when I was with him. I had to stop. cause i dont know why i ended up writing about him. but anyway.. My time in Dubai was well spent. I've met friends who I know I will forever treasure. We've been with each other through richer and for poorer. The reason why I was writing this is.. I feel lonely here. Yes, I have someone that I constantly hang out with and talk to and I adore him very much. But our relationship is not exactly the type where I could vent out to him without me feeling stupid or vulnerable. Yes, i have friends. But these friendships are not deep enough where they could understand me. I am always around people, friends, family and someone. But now.. where are they? it's not that i left them or they've left me. it just that life happened. people move on. people change. people drift away. in my case.. I moved. Every single time I speak to my friends. They tell me how stupid I am for moving. And how I had heaven and now I went to hell. It's not too bad here, it just gets lonely. maybe it's just a phase. and im still trying to figure my way out. Tonight, I cried. I cried cause I've come into the realization that I have lost some people so precious to me because it had to happen. They say things happen for a reason. And I say this all the time.. whenever I go through something. And now here is another puzzle I'm trying to solve. I mean.. dont get me wrong my life wouldn't be as interesting if these things won't happen. I am constantly finding out things about myself. in forms of being lonely in this case. I have to find my own wave. If you ask me what makes me happy? It's him. Maybe he is one of the reason why I had to move. Maybe.. I don't know. Or maybe one reason is. i have to make myself stronger in times when I am the only one that I've got. And it's kind of a bittersweet feeling because I know I will come out stronger after this is over. This part just sucks. But slowly into this situations, I think what I am taking away from this is. You just gotta take care of yourself. Care more about yourself that you do for others. Although in my case with this guy, I will always care so much for him because he is a very nice guy and he deserves it. But still, I am giving a little distance cause I dont know him well until this day. But he is promising let me tell you that. Anyway back to myself.. before I start telling you how amazing he is to me. So.. ya. take care of yourself cause it is though out there. i mean there are people who are always ready to take advantage of you. and just be smart. be nice but be smart. and like what i always say to my friends. IT'S BETTER TO BE THE ONE WHO SMILED THAT THE ONE WHO NEVER SMILED BACK. I will always hold on to this quote. Because.. I think I am a good person. I do not have any bad intentions towards anyone. So I'd rather be nice but still keeping a safe distance. Whatever I'm writing now might not have a smooth flow of thoughts but that's just how i am. it just keeps going.. my thoughts are just a flowing river. Someone just did me wrong lately and this is why I am a little bit upset. But i'll get over it and i know im just having an episode. So ya.. this is why I need to be with someone who has the same level of thinking as me. Someone who I can talk deep conversations with. and who would not judge me if I am weak or if im a bitch. I am not dramatic, I just wanna see things in a deeper perspective.

I feel better now..
Goodnight

Why I am crazy over you.

I am crazy over you...
I am crazy about your laugh and how your face lights up when you smile..
I am crazy about how your laugh sounds and how it takes me to a happy place I don't want to leave.
I am crazy about your scent and how you always smell so damn nice..
I am crazy about how you play with my hair when we are just laying down and talking about nonsense..
I am crazy about the way you hold me and how your warmth just makes me feel at home..
I am crazy about your cuddles and how it makes me feel at peace..
I am crazy about how you say my name and hearing your voice just gives me butterflies..
I am crazy about how you touch me and how it send shivers down my spine..
I am crazy about how you play with my face which annoys me sometimes but I just like you touching me..
I am crazy about how you look at me and how it takes me to a place where I want to stay..
I am crazy about your blunt and raw opinions about anything which makes me love you even more..
I am crazy about how you act like a child and it makes me want to take care of you..
I am crazy about how you subtly send sweet gestures and that just gives me the biggest smiles..
I am crazy about how you are so romantic despite your shell being so tough..
I am crazy about how thoughtful you are and this shows me how you are really worthwhile..
I am crazy about you because you give me this uncertainty that I want to explore.. you take me to an adventure that I don't know the destination. You give me thrill.. you make me not want to know what's next and just surprise myself with what's coming..
I am crazy about you..

I wish you are crazy about me too.

Roxy
12/19/2017
11:19pm

The people you meet and the lesson they will leave.

I'm up at 1am in the morning. Feeling a little bit upset. I don't know if maybe this is just because I am on my period. And I'm extra emotional. but there are things that have been bothering me lately.. and it's just one of those things that might've bothered a few people as well. People changing. People using you. It bugs me. a lot.. maybe because im a little bit more sentimental than others. Like.. if you showed me that you care for me I usually would go and care for you a lot more. even when you don't even show me anything. if you are around me i will always show you that I care. I mean. i am like that. and recently.. i read a book by Mark Manson, The subtle art of not giving a fuck. It's basically telling me that I really shouldn't care much about stuff that doesn't really matter. well at least thats what i got from it. but how do you do that? how do you go from caring so much to not caring at all or maybe caring a little less? how? where do you begin? I have had experiences where people just used me because i am nice and i am easy to go along with. if you think of it. im one of the chillest persons my friends could ever have. i will support you and i will protect you if i need to. but you don't always get the same things back. the thing is. maybe i expect to get whatever i put out? and maybe i should just start thinking about myself. and just letting myself just worry about myself. which if you think of it is the right thing to do. but what im afraid of is. what if they will think that i had turned cold. which i am in the verge of. i might want to turn cold. i have thought of it a lot of time but never have i arrived to it. i know what it feels like to have no one except my family and some friends but i cant always rely on that because i think so much of how much they have already been going through and how much i am bothering them with my own issues. i have gone through my life on my own. i got hurt a lot. by the people that i thought would never. but despite of all that. i always forgive and i always put it behind me. because thats me. i always see the good in others. even if they are treating me like shit. i still see them as someone who can maybe show me otherwise. Regardless if its relationships or friendships. i realized.. take care of yourself. cause no one will understand your own pain better than you will. put yourself up. bring others up too. and dont expect them to do the same. have yourself do that for yourself. like i said.. i am on the verge of completely turning cold. i will have to make a few changes. most importantly. i should not expect anything from anyone. however i should expect more from what i can do better for myself.

I might be falling in love with a man who i know can never give me what i want. he makes me happy. he is very romantic. i have never met a guy like him. but at the end. he can never take me as i am. he cant commit to who i am. which i dont understand why. cause why is he still here if he had already told me that we cant. why. i care about him a lot. he does to. but at the end. he can never take me. sad. its sad. when youre still experiencing the whole thing but you already know where it will go. to goodbyes. i dont think i will ever even tell him that i love him. i was in bed with him today. he was asleep. and when i hug him. i feel this hopeless kind of sad. mixed feeling. happy that i am in his arms. yet sad because i know this will never last. do i want it to last? yes. cause i like him very much. do i want it to end? yes. cause it gets painful knowing that it will not last. i have never even had the courage of this thought that i am about to say. but.. i think. he is only here because i am available. and we live in a place where you need people to keep you company. whenever it fits you. and thats how it has been for him. cause me? i would drop anything for him. but him? he would only see me if it fits his needs. ive been through the same thing before. yet i never learn. because why? i always had a hope in my heart. and this time. this hope has to go. cause this hope is what kills me. slowly..

I had a friend. I was with her through her bad times. held her hand through though times. and when things got really bad. in dropped everything just to comfort her and keep her company. and then what? when things got steady suddenly i am not needed.

you would meet people like this. and i am glad i did. cause now i know better. it is tough out there. but have yourself equipped. you are your best weapon. your mind is your best weapon. they will always worry about themselves just like you. so do the same. it will get though. i will cry. and i have been crying. but i will be okay. i will get through this.

- Roxy
December 15, 2017
2:07am

We do not exist anymore.

It's probably too late to write about this now. 'Cause I got so busy and I didn't manage to continue writing in this blog. But right now I am in a very happy mood and I wanna share what happened with my life since the last time I wrote in 2014.

I would probably forget things so bare with me. 

So in 2014, when I was still going to classes for my airline management since I failed nga. hahaha. I had a lot of time. and so I decided to work out. I don't really know much about working out. and I know who's know things very well when working out. My ex. The stupidity in me kicked me and I started talking to him again. I got this idea because I went to see a friend at a coffee shop with her boyfriend and all of a suddent my ex appeared and we got to talk again. for some reason I went to his place after me and my friend was done having coffee and I saw his mom and we started chatting and just laughing the whole time. After that I think he invited me to work out with him at his place. And everything just kept coming back. I will always love him and I guess he will always love me 'cause we get along really well and our humor just fit each other. Time passed by.. we were together again. At that point, I really don't know if I made the right decision because in a span of more than 6 months that we are apart. He has done a lot of things that I just couldn't accept. He met people and became friends with people that influenced him greatly. I mean, ya. Some of the influence was good but there were some bad things that I couldn't take. I will not go into details with this but ya. When we became together again it was fun. He was sweet to me like always. I guess maybe he realized how important I was when I was gone so that's why he was giving it his all. Until somethings happened. Something that I could never forget. I found out that he was also pursuing another girl while he was trying to get me back. They did the most disgusting thing I could imagine. My world fell apart again. And I told myself. I guess this is how it's going to be and I don't know if I can take it. I mean, boy. I am your girl from the very beggining. Why can't you see me? Why do you have to go around and find another girl? I mean I'm sorry but I know the girl. I know how she is. WTF. am I worth that? anywaaaaaaay highway. Stupid me. I accepeted him again. There came a time when I had to leave for work again. I had to go to Dubai. I was still with him during my 1st month. but in January of 2015. It hit me. I cannot take this anymore. I was still finding things out. Still caught him doing shit. And I dont wanna be that paranoid girlfriend. I am miles away. i do not want to be that girl who keeps on checking on a guy. i mean he is an adult he must know how to act. so I broke it off. just like that. I had to be strong. I had to force myself. He was badly hurt. But.. the reason of our breakup wasn't clear to him. anyway.
I still miss him everyday. I wish he never changed. I wish he remained that guy who I fell in love with back in 2009. Funny, Smart, Independent, Wise, Strong, Loving and most of all Loyal. He used to respect me a lot and I used to respect him too. But I guess people are just meant to change. I changed too. actually you know that sad part about out relationship. Those two people. Do not exist anymore.. 

FLORIDA ADVENTURE

A picture is worth a million words. 💋

TURNING AROUND

The past few months has been going on so fast. I'm back home again here and the Philippines and will be leaving again for the US in a few months. I've been through up's and down's but because I beleived that I will be okay. Look at me now. I'm more than okay. Very satisfied and very happy. And ofcourse.. Thought of writing a blog post. 💋 

How I turned my life around:

1⃣ When I finally landed home on May 22, 2014 I'm going to be honest. My life was a total mess. I found no happiness in my life. I found no chance of getting myself back on track. But knowing that all my life I've always taught myself to be positive. I did not let that go on. Well.. I let myself grieve and rant and complain for a little while because I thought maybe I should learn to let it all out. So i did. I felt sorry for myself. I felt regret. I felt betrayed. I felt like someone took my plan away from me. I LET MYSELF GRIEVE. For the past six months a lot of things happened. Broke up with my boyfriend. Left home to work. Earned a lot of money. Lost a great amount of money as well. I actually thought I was living life. You know, YOLO they say. I wouldn't say there's nothing wrong with YOLOing it up. I was just doing it wrong. I also fell in love again. Or at least I THOUGHT. Got hurt. My connection with God got compliated too. So i just sat down and watched my life. Cried. Got angry. Just letting it out. GRIEVING. 

2⃣ After some time of grieveing. I started reading books. Selfhelp books because i love reading and a self help book is probablly what I needed. I also started praying harder. I prayed for God to give me peace and to please lead me to the right ditection. But God is only there to guide me. And I am the woman in flesh who makes decisions for my own life. So I started planning my life again. Back to zero. No job. No boyfriend. No money. Now instead of grieving this time I started to watch the happiness I felt during that ) months. I started counting all my blessing. I started looking at how blessed I was. And there I found myself smiling and butterflies flutter in my stomach. I DECIDED TO BE GRATEFUL. I looked at what te experience have taught me. And I just started thanking God about how blessed I was. I have no boyfriend. Which means I have a lot of time for building my relationship with God, my Family and my Friends. It was truly beautiful. Every day I spend with my family is truly a blessing. I become to see how amazing each one of them and started thanking God for giving them to me. I have two nephews who gives me so much love. They love me so much and I love them more. I couldn't imagine my life without those two. I had no job but am still going to school because I had to take te class again because I failed the last time. And you know what? That means I could still apply to work in the US and comeback without hassle. And I got the chance to learn about Airline again which is what I really want to pursue. Now I got hired again for a one year contract in America. AMAZING RIGHT? Thank you Lord. I have no money. But look at me now preparing for a great deal of adventure which will help me financially in te future. It's just AMAZING. 

Now I am totally in love with life. And you know what? Life is loving me more. Be grateful. And whatever you have shall be enough. 

XOXO

ROXY 💋

TIME FLIES

BLOG DIARY



During my 1st year in college, I was not taking it anything seriously. Why? Don't know either. Haha. I constantly go out with high school friends. Ditch classes. Never really caring so much about academics. Because I used to have no clue about how does it go in college. I thought it was okay to do this and that and whatever. I made friends, yes. This was the time when everything was just passing by without me being aware of what was really happening. I was letting opportunities go and I just always  go to school with no motivation in my system. As I look back now, I regret everything that I've done during my freshmen year. I should've joined an Organization. I should've studied harder. I should've tried harder. I should've cared more. Well.. I can't really do anything about it know right?

Surprisingly, I passed all my courses. I'm in second year college na! I would say I had already cared a little about my academics and this was because of my professor. There's this one professor from my GenPhil class who keeps on talking to me during recitation, and as a person who likes ranting and rambling. I liked that, and everything we were talking about were relevant and sense. He was the first professor who made me believe in myself. Even though I was constantly absent in his class. He was a great person, whenever I cam late for his class  and the class was in the middle of a discussion I would try my best to answer his questions to send him the message that "hey sir, i care for this class" haha. Beside him, there was also this one professor, Miss Aby. My Comski teacher. In that class, we are required to write essay from time to time. and during my Canossa day we were required to write essay every quarter. That's why I didn't have a difficult time, and I even like that. :D During the English week they had competitions and each class should have a representative for the essay writing contest. She made me join, like literally forced me. Haha. What made me joined was when she told me "I've read your work, you are good at this. Do it" So i did. With my long earing, high heels, a bit of make up (because I was already learning how to put on make up that time :D) I entered a room full of student in glasses. Well not all of them were wearing glasses, but you can tell that everyone was smart and intelligent. My heels made clacking sound and I was late so I made quite a seen. hehe. I sat there and wrote my essay, I didn't win but I got a certificate. Hahahaha. My grades were about to be shown for my comski class, Miss Aby showed it to me and she wasn't that happy about my grade. Right that moment when I faced her she asked "Anong nangyare" "Your better that this" Haha. was I? So yea.. that made me tried harder. Made an Isearch paper, I had a partner but she wasn't really helping or doing anything. I made the paper by myself. It was about "Why Men Cheat?" Hahahahahha. Because I was heart broken that time. Funny right? Whenever I think about that I'm like. "WHAT WAS I THINKING?!" hahaha.

3rd year. Eto na. This was the year when it hit my head hard. Damn, I'm already in my 3rd year and I haven't failed any classes yet ha? Infairness. This was the year when I got to know myself better.We had this project for Sustain. And we had to make a Documentary, it was a group project and a competition as well. I really wasn't a competitor before but something made me really competitive during this time. I made the initiative of thinking about the idea, the design, the name of our film, I'm not trying to brag or anything but I can say that I pretty much almost did everything. Which was fine because I like to take control of everything sometimes, because I feel like..... okay I don't know. Basta I just like it. Hahaha. There was this one time when I got home from a trip to Anilao for another class and I still had to do alot of work. I got really mad because no one was helping me and sent a text blast to every group member. The next day, they sent the files the we needed..    hahaha. We also has TourPro, where we had to create a Marketing Plan for an establishment. Because of Sustain, I really couldn't pay much attention to this project because I already very busy. With my SK stuff and Sustain and other courses. The weekend before our defense for TourPro we had to make everything, I called this establishment asked if we could make an appointment for an interview. I made a website, designed a brochure, and distributed all other works for my group mates. My group mates were very cooperative and productive. I love them. We were doing everything together. We got 2nd place for this project. and 3rd place for Documentary. ANSABEEEEE. Hahahah. This is where I realized that I had a little bit of ability. :D I got to host events too, it was my first time being the masters of the ceremony during our General Assembly and IT WAS FUUUUUUN. I LOVE TALKING AND I LOVE TALKING. This was perfect for me. :) Following semester I got to host again for an event which was the Departments Christmas Party. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUN! :)
 Besides all of this, there was something that I cannot leave behind. My singing from  high school up until now. I am still with my band mates. We still play, I still sing. And I hope next year, our plan to revive this Band Organization in our school will happen. :)